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Showing posts from 2005

A Mother's Love

I was working from home 2 days ago and took a break to watch Oprah. I'm not really an avid fan and not a follower of her shows even though I truly admire this remarkable woman who can change things by simply citing her name. The episode was a 20th year special and Oprah recalled amazing people she talked about at her show and give updates.

There was this story that really touched my heart that I cried, really, really cried. I've never really cried that much watching TV but that story was really sad. I think it happened in 1997 about a woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer and did something amazing for her little daughter. I think the daughter was about 2 years old when she got to know about the cancer. Knowing that she won't live long, she started video-taping herself - she talked, gave advise, told stories, joked... The footage showed her when she looked healthy, and then when she was hospitalised with tubes in her nose, when she was home after a chemo with her hair …

Sarah Now Has Her Own Golf Set

She finally has got her own golf set. Hubby has been wanting to buy her one for months. I have always thought she's a bit too young and small to get her own set. However, our little family has been going to the driving range for the past few weeks during weekends - me 6 laps around the stadium, hubby hitting some balls, and Sarah - here and there. What made me give in? I saw her hitting the golf balls in style. And she looked so happy. And also it helped that hubby said she has natural swing.

So that fateful Sunday afternoon Sarah got her new golf set and so did I. Yes, yes, I got "conned" too. I got myself a new golf set, new golf shoes and new gloves. I thought since golf is going to be a family affair, I better join in. Surprisingly, golf is quite interesting now that the balls I hit actually fly.

This morning mother and daughter went to the driving range - our first outing alone without hubby. It turned out quite OK despite Sarah got bored early.

Registered Sarah for the School

It's confirmed that Sarah will attend Seri Pelangi come 3rd January next year. We finally handed over the registration form last weekend. A huge step for us as parents, an even bigger step for Sarah in this new stage of her life. So, we decided that for the first month, Sarah will attend only morning school and go back by bus. In February we'll see if she's ready to stay there the whole day. Actually not only her, we need to see how my mother fare.

Now problem is to train Sarah to wake up early in the morning. Normally she wakes up around 8am. But school starts at 7.45am, so she needs to be ready at least by 7.30am. That means I will need to wake her up at 7am. That is way, way too early for her.

I actually don't know who feels anxiety more - is it Sarah or me? I will need to let her go, leave her there at the school to be taken care of by strangers... See how attached I am to her? It will wretch my heart to leave her, to wave goodbye, while she's crying. She said sh…

We Have Decided on the School

Last Friday we went for a visit to the Tadika Sri Pelangi. Hubby took the day off so that we can see the place in action - with live teachers and children. Since it's the school holidays, there were only a few kids there. Nonetheless, the place looked OK, the teacher friendly and the environment clean. Sarah too looked comfortable. So, that's where she will be schooling next year. Now, need to finish up the paperwork.

But then, the Sarah's excitement wore off. The next day before sleep she told me she's afraid to go to school. She wanted me to wait for her and not go to work. She said she so afraid and she will cry if I left her there. I felt so sorry for her. There she was looking so sad and lost. Tears were brimming from her eyes. I hugged her and told her I will be there waiting for her but only for a few days. But I assured her she will enjoy herself, she will make friends and learn new things. She was OK after that but I just can't get the looks of her face fro…

Another Book: Kafka on the Shore

After reading some mediocre pieces, I have this urge to read something thought provoking but not heavy. And what a gem I found - Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami. I was mesmerised by this book, drawn to its style of writing and in love with its story. Since I have always liked Japanese culture, naturally I found the book amazing. One quote I found by readers of the book is that "reading Murakami is like going into therapy". So very true. Opening the book and reading the beautiful words are like being seeped (sucked is too strong a word) into this world of two wonderful main characters following each of their journey and adventure. Two intertwined characters who never crossed path.

I love the style of writing - it had a calming effect even when Murakami was describing something gross it just doesn't snatch you from your peace state of mind but simply takes you along in the journey like going slowly down a river, unhurrid and uninterrupted.

The conversations between Nak…

The Raya Holidays

It was a good Raya break. We went back to Melaka on Sunday and spent about 6 days there. Then back to Bangi on 2nd day of Raya. The next day off to Crown Princess Hotel for a night's stay just to use up my free voucher. It was good despite the fact that most of the shops were closed for the holidays. But we had a good time and Sarah enjoyed her swimming sessions until she was blue on the lips and shivering in the cold water.

She got quite a good sum of duit Raya. I must remember to go and open a savings account for her and deposit the money. This year she was really excited getting the duit Raya. She now knows the value of money. Previously, she didn't really care much. Last year she even declined my father's 2nd duit Raya because she said she already got hers! My daughter is so honest :)

We didn't go visiting much. I'm really not into seeing people much especially that the rest of the clan went visiting on the 1st of Raya. So, going around just the 3 of us doesn'…

Sarah Will Start School Next Year

The school terms is ending. There'll be a two-month break before it reopens in January. In January, Sarah can start schooling. Hubby and me decided that she will attend the Tadika Kemas as perviously planned. We have talked to her but she still want to go to that school along with Wani. I guess it's better to send her there than risk her being depressed in another school.

I really don't know how she will handle school. I think I will have to be there with her the first few days of school until she can adjust herself. Or maybe I should just let her go and wait at home until she comes back. This is really new for me. I don't know how to handle this. It's just this protective feeling inside.

Sarah Wants Adik

Oh no, finally the moment has come. Sarah wants a sibling! It started last weekend when we went to my eldest sister's house for buka puasa. Aish - my sister's grandson who is merely 3 months younger that Sarah was there. These two hit along very well. However, since Aish is a boy (bigger size than Sarah obviously) Sarah gets bullied all the time. In the car, on our back home, she told us she wanted adik boy so that this little brother of hers can beat up Aish. I thought that was the end of it, however, the next morning on the way to my mother's house she asked me whether my tummy has gone big - whether I am already pregnant. She wanted a baby brother so badly!

Yesterday was Sarah's Birthday

Sarah was born on 19 October 2001. Yesterday she was exactly four years old. Only four years old? I told Fairuza my colleague Sarah speaks like a 10 year old.

Anyway, yesterday I didn't get to take leave, so after finishing work at DC0 at around 4pm, I went back to fetch her to take her to a bakery. I promised to take her to Angel Cake so that she can pick her own cake herself. She was so excited. She said she wanted a cake that has "chocolate banyak sangat". True to her words, she picked a moist chocolate cake with abundance of chocolate strips. Since it is Ramadhan, the celebration had to wait until buka puasa. She ate a whole piece of cake, such as achievement!

Right after we took her to Alamanda so that she can pick herself a toy. Bad idea. She didn't know what to pick with so many toys around at Toycity. She kept on picking a few and putting them back. Note to self: Next year we will buy her present, wrap it up and give it to her. No more "pick-your-own-prese…

Another Book: Light on Snow

I've never read books by Anita Shreve before though I've always come across the bunch of them at MPH. I wanted to get away from the likes of Danielle Steel, as I thought she was in that league. Lately, I was always drawn to books on women issues - the struggles, hardships, emotions, feelings, etc. The last few books I read are all about that - She's Come Undone, Women in White, Sophie's Bakery, etc. But then I was curious about Shreve's books. Her name sounded like someone who would write my kind of books. Wishing to try, I bought Light on Snow. The review was ok, the cover picture was good, time was short, my daughter was whining so I grabbed the book. And I was not disappointed.

It's a father and daughter story - a Robert Dillon and his daughter Nicky. Robert lost his wife and baby in a car accident. Tramautised by the accident, he left his high flying career in New York City and went to rural New Hampshire where he started life new as a carpenter in a place w…

Poem: Slow Dance

Got this poem in my email. It was true for me some months back where things went on too fast, where I lie in bed with work and tasks swirrling in my head, where Sarah's requests to read for her were always rejected because Mummy was too tired...

I am happy now. I have more time for her and less responsibilities at work. At that particular point in life I realised what really matters in life and I finally made the choice. It was a scary choice to make, but I believe in myself that I am a brave person and hopefully God will help me through.


Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your h…

It's Hubby's Birthday Today

Today is my hubby's birthday. I'm 10 days older than him. Yesterday I took Sarah to buy my hubby a birthday cake. I told her that it will be a surprise. I plan to celebrate near midnight, making us the first to wish him a happy birthday. Sarah was so excited and couldn't wait for her Abah to come home. I also got her a blue party hat, just to get into the mood.

So, when her Abah reached home around 8pm, she took the party hat, wore it and rushed to the door. It was a really funny moment and I knew Sarah would blew it because she just couldn't contain her excitement. Her Abah asked at the door where she got the hat. She told him Mummy bought it for her at the cake shop (she was jumping up and down!). Her Abah asked again what was she doing at a cake shop. And she said to buy a birthday cake for Abah because it's Abah's birthday and all. She suddenly stopped talking and then breathlessly said, "Surprise!!!".

She was so funny. And really made her Abah'…

Less Trust But Same Kind of Love

I confronted, talked a little and made up. Sometimes I hate myself for being so trusting. And so nice. But I thought long about it. I have Sarah to think of. Whatever decisions I make, Sarah must be my upmost importance. I wish her to have a good life having both parents by her side, loving and caring for her. So, whatever wild ideas I had in my mind, I casted them aside. Sarah is my priority in life. And he is such a good father.

Yes, I trust him less now, but I know he loves me so very much. And I love him the same. There are things I would like to change and I will take charge. But nothing that will jeopardize this little family of mine. I have found myself a soulmate and it's such a loss if I were to lose him. It's almost 14 years now of knowing him and I can't imagine life without him. Yes, he is not perfect, neither do I. We have put up with each other for so long, we will put up with each other for years to come.

When One is Betrayed

Betrayal. Such a strong word. But that's exactly how I felt. Betrayed. I wonder what I did to deserve it. I thought I've given all I can - my efforts, my time, my thoughts, my money, my support... Everything I can ever offer. I even resigned to give way for him to move on to the next level. So that I won't stand in the way of him achieving success. That's how much sacrifice I have made. But still it doesn't seem enough. Still I was betrayed.

I can list out the events. I don't like digging out the past. But if I were to list them all, no sane person would give him a second chance. The numerous times he has betrayed me. The ones I know, aware of, stumbled upon... There may be more hiding inside his closet. The ones I have yet to discover. The ones I might not even discover. I hope I won't find them. It will just hurt me more.

Things might look too monetary, materialistic. If I were to bring it up, that's exactly what he would say. It's about money. No, …

It Was My Birthday Yesterday

It was my 34th birthday yesterday. Compared to previous years, it was a very low-key event, if I can even call it event. Nothing much. Not many wishes as my handphone went down the toilet and sent for repair. So, I didn't get any SMS.

However, there's something I realised this year that made it, I believe the most memorable birthday so far. Normally, if one celebrates a birthday, the birthday boy or girl will be celebrated - lunch, dinner, party, cakes, presents... But nobody would remember the person who gave birth to that celebrated person - the mother! It's the mother who should be celebrated. She's the one who endured the pains and sufferings of pregnancy and child-birth.

Yesterday evening when I picked up Sarah, I told my mother I was going to my brother, Angah's house as he bought us a cake. (Both of us share birthday you see.) My mother gave me a blank look. She was holding this tupperware of some chicken and beef she bought for me at the pasar malam. She didn…

She Wants Shoes with Heels

We went shopping for Sarah's shoes yesterday. Her sports shoes have become a bit tight. She also doesn't own any girlish kind of shoes. Need something suitable for her dresses and skirts.

All these while hubby and me always buy her the practical kind of shoes or slippers - the ones with rubber soles. Such shoes normally don't look very nice, but they ensure Sarah doesn't fall or slip. So, yesterday we selected, again, "our" kind of shoes. There're these Dunlop sandals which look nice in jeans and can also be worn for her driving range sessions. She tried them on but she doesn't really look happy. OK, she said "Tak cantik!". Then she selected one of those girlish slippers with a bit of heels. She said she wants slippers that make sounds. She might look cute in one of those, but they don't look so stable when she walk in them. But then we realised that she has grown and being a girl it's just natural she would want those kind of slipper…

My Favourite Poem

Here's my favourite poem, something I can always relate to everytime I make decisions, especially the ones I wonder in the end whether I had made the right decision. Then, if the decision sucks, I can always make it look good - that I took the road less travelled by!


The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all th…

LOTR: One of Her Favourite Movies

Parents always underestimate their kids. I'm sure every one of us has experienced this before. I remember my mother told my elder brother to tell me (she didn't want to tell me herself) not to go to a camping trip because she said I am "lembik" and wouldn't survive the hardship. And I remember my father told me to get myself a job as a lecturer because he didn't think I can get a better job elsewhere in this dog-eat-dog corporate world. I proved them wrong. Not only I went to that camping trip to Pulau Rebak, Langkawi where I experienced one of most memorable time of my life where I almost lost 2 friends (they almost drowned!), I discovered that I am the kind of person who can achieve things if I set my mind to it. Two friends almost drowned, the rest of the team floated to sea because the strong current pulled them out and amazingly I was the only one who managed to get myself back to the beach. How? Beats me. I only remembered struggling, and kicking until …

Making a Choice

As my childhood was a bit blur, I can't really remember whether I was given the opportunity or even "luxury" of making choices. I think decisions were always being shoved into my face - right till which university and course I was to enroll. I would very much like Sarah to be able to make her own decisions or choices, with us her parents giving guidance.

I always ask her what she wants to eat or drink, getting her to make her own choice, having her own say. If we go out shopping, she gets to choose what clothes she would like to buy, the colour, the style... That explains the stacks of T shirts and pants in her drawer - she doesn't like girlish dresses even though I'm always dying to buy her.

Anyway, still on the topic, I'm fasting today and don't feel like going through the one-hour journey to work. The moment Sarah woke up, the first thing she said was: "Mummy pilih - hari ni Mummy nak kerja ke, nak cuti". She wanted me to make a choice and the …

Another Book: Woman in White

This is a classic. Never thought I would pick up a classic after 10 years of leaving university. But there were these rows and rows of classic books on sale at MPH and at that moment of time I suddenly felt like reliving the old days. It proved to be an interesting book albeit the language and style of writing. Language is still OK, but the style needed a bit of time to get used to. It was written by Wilkie Collins (I think he was a lawyer or something) and he experimented this style where the characters of the book narrated the accounts of the story. Like I said, it needed some time to get used to the style and after some time it actually became interesting.

The story was a bit complicated about a woman named Laura Fairlie who was forced to marry this villain named Sir Percival who was in fact only after her money. Laura fell in love with her drawing master Walter Hartright. Then, there is Laura's half-sister Marian Halcombe who was really way, way ahead from the women at that tim…

She Loves Watching Mr Bean

Lately Sarah has this tendency to push to get what she wants by saying "Nak jugak!". Whatever reasons I try to tell her that she will not be getting something, she will insist by saying that. I know from her face she's trying this method to see if she can get whatever she wants. But sorry, that's not the way things work with me. Now, whenever she says that I will turn back and say - "OK, you will get that but no Mr Bean for the rest of the day". Obviously, Mr Bean is her first choice, so she will drop her requests.

Oh, how she loves Mr Bean the cartoon. I still can't see what so interesting about the cartoon that makes her like it so much. It's full of grumbles and roundabout ways of doing things I find really irritating. My father thinks it's good too - teaches kids on how to solve problems albeit a longer and more complicated way. So, grandfather and grand daughter both watch the cartoon 3 times a day.

However, she learned something from the car…

The Most Delightful Person

If you watched Lost in Translation, here's an excerpt which really touched my heart:

“It’s the most terrifying day of your life the day the first one was born. Your life, as you know it, is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk… and you want to be with them. And they turned out to be the most delightful people you have ever met…”

It was the time Bill Murray told Scarlett Johansson about his children. So very true, only in my case I have only one kid. I now can vaguely remember my life then, when there were just the two of us – hubby and me. And from the very day my little girl was born, my life has truly changed. Interrupted sleep is almost every night… not to mention the daily heartbreaks of leaving her, worrying about her at work, all the scary whatifs… And now that she can run and really talk, yes, she actually is the most delightful person I have ever met!
She makes me laugh, she makes me cry… and it’s a delight to listen to her, trying to …

Another Book: Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Here’s a book I would very much like to tear apart and scatter the bits and pieces into the muddy KlangRiver. It is not even worth recycling. I bought Sidney Sheldon’s Are You Afraid of the Dark? based on sheer experience of reading his books in my early 20s. His previous works were so good with title such as Master of the Games, If Tomorrow Comes (love this), Stranger in the Mirror, etc.
So, it is either that my literary sense during my 20s sucks or that this book is really trash. Half way through I got really fed-up and almost flung it out of the train. Good thing I bought the book and has got to finish it up just to make up for the money spent. Helloo… two beautifully gorgeous women (one of whom is a supermodel) defeated an intelligent world-class mastermind and got away from being assassinated by this very experienced crook – not once or twice, more than that I lost my count. Weather control machine? I thought this was a fad in the 70s or 80s. Even Dr Evil in Austin Powers doesn’t …

Another Book: Sophie's Bakery for the Broken Hearted

This is a gem found by accident - it is not in bestseller list, written by an unknown - but on impulse I picked it up anyway. A truly delightful book written in the kind of style and language I dream of writing. If I were to write a book, this is the kind of book I would produce. In a way, I feel connected to this book because it illustrates the kind of mind I actually have but not known by anybody, even my hubby I think. I am a little crazy in my head, just that I don't do crazy things. And more often than not, I always pride in having this bit of craziness as it just differentiates me from other women.

Sophie's Bakery for the Broken Hearted is written by Lolly Winston - debut novel. The name itself suggest what kind of writing the book has. Lolly... lollypop... It is about a woman's life after the death of her husband at the age of 36. And how the death drove her into depression and a little bit of insanity. Sophie's life took a downturn - from being a PR manager to b…

I've Started Reading: Harry Potter 6

I’m going to talk about books today. I have been reading daily now for the past few months. What an achievement! I used to read and I read a lot during my pregnancy – in the 3rd trimester because that was the time I was finally able to read and not get migraine. In fact, I read all 4 Harry Potter books (then) back to back and all over again just before I gave birth. However, I stopped reading books after I got Sarah. I just didn’t have the time. It was only this year I started to pick it up again – after a friend Aziph lent me his copy of Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code a few months ago while we were in Brunei. And since then, it’s been one book after another. I’m always reading 2 books at one time – a new book in the train on my way to work, and another old book which I re-read before bed. My aim is to catch up on reading at least 12 books this year – on average 1 book per month and for someone who just started last April (if I’m not mistaken) I am almost there.Just like a hidden treas…

She's Only 4 and I Need to Think of School

Yesterday I took Sarah to visit Kak Mah - the previous baby-sitter before Sarah got freaked out and decided she wanted to stay with her Wan. During our borak-borak, she told me about the other kids she took care previously - how now they have started schooling or the small ones started enrolling in kindergartens. Anyway, to cut a very long story short (with Kak Mah stories are really, really long), I decided not to put Sarah at the Tadika Kemas nearby and instead will go around and survey one of those kindergartens in Sri Putra. There's nothing wrong with that Tadika Kemas, but something Kak Mah said made me realise that I need to put my personal convenience aside and make sure Sarah gets the best education I can afford.

Previous plan was - send her to that Tadika in the morning, then go to work and in the afternoon Sarah will catch the school van and go back to my mother's house and then spend the rest of the day there. But as much as I want things to be as smooth and safe as …

At An Intersection...

Life always takes one to an intersection where decision needs to be made - either one is to turn left or right, or sometimes one needs to back track. I have been stagnant at this particular intersection for the past 2 months. This time around, the intersection reads - "career move". No, I didn’t get any job offers elsewhere and I don’t think I would like to work with any other company – full-time that is. What I want is flexibility in work – time, day, place… So that I can have more hours to spend with my daughter.Officially, I have resigned from my present company. However, I am extending my service for another month until my immediate boss comes up with a plan for my employment. What I requested from him is if I can work 3 days a week and spend the remaining 2 working from home. However, he is still planning which is very much understood as I believe it is difficult for him to plan for such an isolated case. And why I am still at the intersection? Because I just couldn’t m…

To Have or Not to Have Another Baby

I was watching In the Womb on National Geographics last weekend with Sarah when I asked her whether she would like an "adik". All the while her answer was always a big NO. In a way I always feel quite relieved because I can always put the "blame" on her. (Hey, it's Sarah who doesn't want an adik, ok?). Anyway, this time around she paused for a few moments and then asked me back - "Mummy, kalau ada adik maknanya mummy mengandung ya?". What? Mengandung?. "Ya la," I said. (Who taught her the word "mengandung" ni?). Then she said - "Tak nak lah!". I was amazed with her knowledge actually. Must be her observation on my sister-in-law who gave birth late last year.

Back to that documentary, it brought back the memories of my pregnancy. From the size of a pin-head to a 3.4kg baby... truly a miracle. I'm having splitting thoughts on having another child - yes, it would be good to have another one, then at least Sarah will h…

Tasks of the Two Parents

I worked from home yesterday. No meetings or discussions. I have been coming back late for the past few days and would like to replace the time lost. I noticed that Sarah has developed quite a temper these few days so some time together might be good.

She seems to have divided the tasks of her parents on her quite clearly - Mummy: reading, gardening, cooking... the one to hold her hands when we go out... Abah: playstation, bookstore, toy shops... the one to carry her if she gets tired when we go out.

So, yesterday morning when my hubby got ready for work, she shut down the Playstation declaring that she will continue playing after Abah comes home from work. And true to her words, she didn't even touch the game the whole day. I actually asked her why and she said it's much more fun playing the Playstation with Abah than with Mummy.

This morning she got a bit clingy. How I wish I knew what she was thinking. She always have this look in her face that says she has something in her mi…

She Just Doesn't Like Eating

How do I get her to eat? She is so skinny. Tall and skinny. I'll be really lucky if I can get her to chomp down five spoons of rice. That is already a lot to her. She would ask how many more to go, and tried to come up with a loud burp.

Hubby and me tried to get her to take Scott's Emulsion - the orange flavour. It's a nightmare trying to get her to swallow a tablespoon full. Her reasons - she doesn't want to look like Aish (my eldest sister's grandchild who is the same age as her). She said Aish takes Scott's Emulsion and now he is so fat with short lumpy legs. Oh, only 4 year's old and really concern with her looks!

So Little Time

How many waking hours a day do I spend with Sarah? On average 5 hours a day. One hour before work and about another four hours at night, if I'm lucky - if she doesn't doze off early. Only 5 hours? What kind of a mother spend such little time with her kid?

There's so much I'm missing. Every day my mother would tell me - oh, she did this and that today, she followed us to the market and bought this and that, she was so funny today she said this and did that... Does she do any this and that with me? I don't know. If I notice something new Sarah would say she already did that with Atok or Wan the other day. OK, so that's not new then...

One thing she's really good at nowadays is complain that hubby and I come back from work late. Not really that late actually but to her 7pm is way, way off. We should be home before the cartoon Mr Bean starts. That's her way of telling time.

Every night, when I kiss that sleeping angelic face of hers I wish I can be with her al…