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Can I Really Forgive?

I have been in email communication with that woman the past few days. I am a bit crazy inside. Just when I thought it was really over, something triggered it and I became bitter again. I realized it was not over yet but I don't know what I really want.

So I wrote an email. It took 2 emails for her to respond. In a way I actually threatened her. And I was really planning to put what I planned into action. I wanted a closure which I have yet to achieve. Because I cannot forget her words to me and the SMSes that she sent. I am being painted as a bad person. I am a bad wife and a bad mother. It hurts me so much because while I am not the perfect wife and the best mother, I have done everything I can to be one. I have sacrificed - my life, my career, my time, my love, my heart, my money, my whole existence... Once I felt so hurt I sat on the floor of my bedroom, doubled over and cried. What have I done to deserve all these?

I actually don't know whether she finally responded because of the threat or because she finally realized her mistake. I don't really care actually. But she asked for my forgiveness. In 4-5 SMSes and in her email. She called but I don't feel like talking.

I actually sent her the link to this blog and she said she spent the whole afternoon reading everything up to my 2005 entries. (Yes, she read what I said about her!) She said she finally understood how I felt, that she has hurt me really bad, that I am not whom she thought I was and she apologized.

I did feel better when she asked for my forgiveness and when I finally said - OK, I forgive you. Maybe that's what I've been waiting for all these while. Her apology. For hurting me.

Yes, I have forgiven. But I hate this "me" I am now. I hate not being able to trust anymore. I hate the impulse to check his phone when he left it around. I hate being suspicious when he says he's coming back late. And I hate the times when I look upon his face and suddenly remembered that he once cheated on me. I hate being "that kind of wife" because I was never that kind of wife, you see.

Like I said before, I have forgiven. But have not forgotten. Things are never the same anymore.

Comments

Anonymous said…
my dear, you have to live with the new you. ombak melanda pantai, semua dah berubah. it will not get back to normal for many years to come. the new you can prevent these things from happening again. so the b***h now reads your blog. if she reads my writing,

"look what have you done, this nice girl is now writing in misery. no more nice stories for her readers to enjoy. curse on you."

err sorry about that...
Aniza said…
i have been depressing people lately, havent i? hope it doesnt rub on anybody :)
Anonymous said…
Assalamualaikum..

Bahaman,
thanks pasal do remid me about the relationship..sy tau sy yg dh buat mdm aniza hidup dalam kesedihan..but i want to clarify things.. not only me k? ada lagi satu pihak yang terlibat..so, u tak blh nak put d blame on me alone..i knw i made d mistake n i've asked 4 forgiveness from her.. not only once.. but many² times.. how i wish i could turn back d time n 4 sure i takkan pandang sedikit pun pada hubby dia.. i wont let him b near to me not even once..u tak tau betapa ‘bias’ nye i pada this kind of guy who created a lot of stories just to have attention from others??? What past is oast n I couln’t turn back d time..ape yang boleh now.. i cuma boleh doakan mdm aniza wont have this kind of nightmare in her future life anymore..hope she will b happily everafter, duniawi dan ukhrawi...u dun knw how regret I am after all this happened to me?? Yeah.. I do ‘bias’ to her after he told me d untruth story..how i wish if I knw this blog address earlier.. hmm…my mistake.. mdm aniza..i’m really sorry.. I dun meant to hurt u but it actually happened now.. I’m truly sorry..
Watie said…
Salam..

Kak Aniza, sy baca blog ni..rasa sedih sngt. bg sy perkahwinan merupakan satu perjudian bg kita kaum wanita. Untung sabut timbul, untung batu tengelam. Saya ada di pihak anda dlm masa yg sama sy tak dpt menyalahkan wanita tersebut setelah membaca permohonannya untuk meminta kemaafan.

Kak Aniza, sy mempunyai nasib yg hampir sama seperti akak cuma storynya mgkn berlainan sket tapi ia tetap mengenai kecurangan seorang lelaki / suami yang di cintai dan amat menyakitkan hati.

Saya baca luahan akak dlm makan-makan: of bread & butter 4 bfast. sy menyediakan segala2 utk suami kerana dulu sy seorang suri rumah. selengkap2nya sy sediakan dari makan ,pakai dan layanan batin. saya sangka apa yg sy lakukan memuaskan hatinya rupa2 sebaliknya. Saya bangkit awal utk siapkan sarapan n bekalan utk dia.. bila dia pulang dengan bekas kosong sy gembira n puashati sbb dia makan hasil air tangan yg isteri sediakan dengan penuh kasih syg..

TUHAN itu adil.. akhirnya setelah sekian lama, sy tahu rupa-rupanya, dia tak makan pun tapi beri pada kawan/buang sebelum balik rumah semata2 nk jaga hati sy (tak pasti samada jaga hati atau sembunyikan sesuatu)sy tahu perkara ini dr kawan sepejabatnya sendiri.

Suami sy sering memberikan cerita2 palsu utk menarik perhatian wanita lain. Sy di tipu hidup2

sy percaya sngt pd suami walaupun berulang2 kali dibohongi. sy tak seberani dan mgkn tak setabah akak. tapi sy hanya wanita yg ingin hidup bahagia.

Kini walaupun dibohongi.. sy cuma menerima tanpa byk alasan demi kebahagian anak2..

BODOHKAH sy, hanya kerana sy seorang wanita?

BODOHKAH sy, hanya kerana sy x ingin anak sy kehilangan bapa?
BODOHKAH sy, hanya kerana sy berpura2 tak tahu kecurangan seorang suami?

BODOHKAH sy, hanya kerana sy ingin mempertahankan rumahtangga yg retak ini dr hancur?
BODOHKAH sy, hanya kerana sy berpura2 bahagia depan keluarga, jiran tetangga & masyarakat?

BODOHKAH & BERDOSAkah sy, hanya kerana sy sentiasa membenci, memaki, mencarut pada suami dalam HATI setiap hari tanpa diketahui olehnya, sedangkan dlm masa yg sama sy melayaninya dengan kata2 manis seperti biasa?

BODOHKAN sy :( kerana masih bertahan dan sanggup menanggung dosa membenci suami sy sendiri setiap saat kerana sy sudah tak mempercayai dirinya dan tak mampu menerima dia kembali walaupun dengan kemaafan.

Dia kini hanya memiliki jasad tapi bukan jiwa & cinta sy lagi. Saya merupakan wanita yg terperangkap dalam sebuah ikatan yg bernama PERKAHWINAN.

Maaf atas luahan sy yg terlalu panjang ini.
Aniza said…
Dear Watie,
Our stories are a bit different. Marriage mmg perjudian. But in my case, this woman is to be blamed. She's married but she lied, saying she's getting married. She lied to everybody including me. She told bad stories abt my husband, but Allah tu maha mengetahui. Finally the truth was revealed. Of course I dont blame her 100% but now I know there are such women out there and you must be careful too. There are too many stories of such destructive women and I was so naive.

The only thing that stops me from destroying her life is my sense of compassion. And that however bad she destroyed my life, I am not the kind of person to seek revenge. She destroyed my life but she knows well that her life is also in my hands and I can destroy hers if I want to.

I can understand how you feel. I do feel that way sometimes, at times, all the time. Life can never be the same. And perempuan memang "bodoh". I pun bodoh. Tetapi bagi I lelaki lebih bodoh - mensia-siakan apa yang ada di depan mata untuk sesuatu yang tak pasti. Sesuatu yang terlalu baik yang Allah anugerahkan sebagai teman hidup tapi sebab naluri ingin mencuba sesuatu yang baru, sanggup gadaikan semua.

I dont know about you, but I was done at one time. I believe I am not at the losing end. It is his lost and not mine. And I did walk out. Because I believe I am strong and can live my life without a man who cant appreciate what a great wife I am. I can live on my own with my daughter but my husband cant. He realised it in just a couple of days how his life would be if both of us walked out on him.

I'm not saying you do what I did. It's just, you must believe in yourself. And at one point, you need to think abt yourself. That you are worth more than you think. I'm not the best person to comment actually because I am different and a little bit crazy :) And to top that, I am a bit of a feminist. Also, I watched too much Oprah! But I do pray you will find happiness. And I pray your husband will eventually realise what an amazing wife he actually have at home.