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Another Mimpi

I'm going to write this while I can still remember. And while the feeling lingers.

Pagi tadi badan still rasa letih kesan pergi hiking semalam. Semalam tak take a nap pun lepas sampai rumah. Bila dah terlampau penat, tak boleh tidur sebenarnya. So pagi ni, lepas selesai settlekan my mother, balik terus lelap sekejap sementara tunggu jam 10 nak start kerja. Ada deadline hari ni. Before noon kena siapkan that last user manual. Tapi kena tunggu developer siap buat amendments.

I dreamed of my father. Memang seminggu dua ni asyik teringat pada dia. His birthday was on 17 September. The dream was so clear. My mother got caught by my Kak Lang and her kid - she could walk. Terbongkok-bongkok sikit but she could walk. I can't remember how, but I was walking with my father towards the house at that time. And when my mother couldn't walk, she crawled. But she tried.

We were then in my mother's room. I stood nearby  watching them. My father sat beside my mother and talked to her softly. He asked her to walk. He said, "Dulu masa aku ada, kau boleh," he said. Really soft. Macam sedang pujuk anak kecil. He then took a telekung and put it on my mother. He asked her to solat. And my mother performed her solat.

At that time I can feel my throat tighten. I always have the same dreams. That I could see him while others can't. And I know that he's no longer with us. And soon he would go away again. Tears started to pour. I can feel the me in my dream crying and the me who is sleeping crying too. I don't know. The dreams are always like that. When the crying got harder, my chest started to hurt and I couldn't breathe. And I woke up. Still struggling to breathe and still crying.

I didn't do much today. That feeling of lost is still heavy in my chest right until now. Some dreams of him are so real like this one. At times like this I really need Hubbs to be around. Just a hug would at least soothe the feelings.

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