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It Was Goodbye

It's been 5 days since my father passed. The kenduri tahlil was performed on the first 3 nights. On Wednesday, I felt so drained I slept at the shop for hours. Work wise... alhamdulillah it is still early of the year so there's nothing much going on.

Every day I kept asking myself - why me? Why was I the one who had to face 3 different doctors that day who told me that they won't be doing anything if my father's heart were to stop. Why was I the one asked to repeat what I understood about my father's condition and warned to be prepared? No child should go through what I went through that day. No daughter for that matter. Why was it not my other siblings? I was not strong enough.

I remember sitting next to my father's bed whispering "la ilaha illallah" over and over just loud enough for him to hear. I wanted to say many things I had in my mind, but every time I opened my mouth, tears started to swell. I promised myself, I won't cry in front of him.

I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of the things I could have done differently. When he said to me, "Aku dah tak ada dah... aku dah tak ada", I should have called everybody to come immediately. I should have known that was the sign. My father asked me to tell everybody to come but I didn't. I waited for them to come instead. As a result, some didn't make it in time. My heart was felt with so much guilt.

However, yesterday night it occurred to me that I might have misinterpreted what he said. I remember my father once said that even with knowledge, one will have to rely on "ilham" or revelation. And that night I had that revelation. I thought hard on what he said to me last and finally I understood what he meant.

When he looked at me with eyes wide and a smile, and said "Aku dah tak ada dah... aku dah tak ada", he didn't tell me he was leaving. Instead, he was saying Goodbye.

I understand now.

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