Those who know me would say I am generally a patient person. Not someone who gets angry very quickly, nor nags or scolds. Basically the kind of person no one would be afraid of. That's why I had this huge laugh when my staff Hajar said before she joined me, my other ex-staffs from my previous company actually raised their eyebrows asking, "Berani kau kerja dgn Kak Niza?". Apparently, some people were afraid of me. I told Hajar that I've never ever scolded or raised my voice to anybody (err... well, once to that person who later got sacked). And she said, that's why they were afraid of me - because I've never lost my temper and nobody knows how it would be if I do lose my temper.
I am digressing. I'm going to write about last Friday. The day that I snapped, where all patience went down the drain, and I finally understood what "rage" means, how I reacted to it and how afraid I am to my own capabilities.
My 2nd sister is going through an ugly divorce proceeding. I'm sorry to say that I am biased - I sided her because she's my sister and I'm a feminist. Anyway, some of her children have moved to another house with the father whereas she stays with the last 2 kids at my previous house. I have been (trying) to offer all help she needed for months now including being the one who listens to all her problems. And I have been up to the nose on her problems with her other children - the grown up girls who operate their babysitting business.
We were on our way home that Friday afternoon when I got SMS from my sister about how the husband refused to pay their house bills amounting to more than RM500 and a few other stuff about the girls. It might be the heat or it actually might be that this patience with the girls has finally broke loose. I told Hubby I wish to see the girls now and we went there straight. I went into the house, called them up and started with this opening sentence so that they know why I was there. I told them I came as their aunt and I would like to be very frank. I told them to pay the house bills or get their father to do so, and how crazy they are if they expect their mother with no income to pay for all that whereas they were the ones who stayed at the house previously. The girls and their brother looked at me with blank looks and just said, "huh!".
Then I asked each one them if they have ever visited their mother ever since they moved. They said no. I asked why. One of them arrogantly answered, "Kitaorg tunggu kat pagar, dia yang tak nak keluar!". That look she gave me and that answer just broke this thin line of patience in me. I did what I've never done before. I slapped her. And I yelled at her, "Siapa Mak sekarang? Kau Mak ke Ummi kau Mak?". She didn't answer, and I slapped her again. "Kau yang patut masuk pegi jumpa Mak kau, bukan Mak kau yang kena keluar jumpa kau!". "Siapa Mak sekarang? Kau ke Ummi kau?". And she got another slap along with her brother. I was in rage. My hand hurt from giving them the slaps but my rage hurt me even more. I told them I didn't go to sekolah agama or tahfiz like any of them, but I was raised to know that "syurga di bawah tapak kaki ibu".
I went back with my body shaking. I was in tears. Of anger and sadness. These are the kids that I indirectly helped raised. Just because they have grown up and can earn their own living, they can't care less about their mother anymore. My sister sacrificed her life for her children, being married to a man who mentally abused her. And that's what she gets in return.
What I'm revealing to you is the product of Arqam. That is why I am so against the teachings. Because I know how they work. The men are so obsessed with their leader, wanting to be in the army of Imam Mahdi but back in their own homes, they can't even manage their own families. They don't provide for their family, their don't give their children proper education. They live in their own beliefs that when the time comes, Allah will grant them with whatever needed. No need to learn Math because when they become in power, Allah will bestow upon them Math knowledge. The first word in Quran is "Read...". Acquire knowledge. I'm not going to preach. I am not good at that.
I am still disappointed, sad and angry with what happened. But I believe I have done what should have been done. It might not work, with them still acting as before, but at least I've done my part. In some ways it was a relief too. With a great price to pay. But this huge emotion I've kept in my heart for months have finally been released. I have less things to think about now. I don't have to worry that some of my nieces and nephews don't even finish school and what will happen to them in future. They are now out of my concerns. To my nieces, my only prayer is - May Allah bestow upon them with good husbands. Exactly like their father.
I am digressing. I'm going to write about last Friday. The day that I snapped, where all patience went down the drain, and I finally understood what "rage" means, how I reacted to it and how afraid I am to my own capabilities.
My 2nd sister is going through an ugly divorce proceeding. I'm sorry to say that I am biased - I sided her because she's my sister and I'm a feminist. Anyway, some of her children have moved to another house with the father whereas she stays with the last 2 kids at my previous house. I have been (trying) to offer all help she needed for months now including being the one who listens to all her problems. And I have been up to the nose on her problems with her other children - the grown up girls who operate their babysitting business.
We were on our way home that Friday afternoon when I got SMS from my sister about how the husband refused to pay their house bills amounting to more than RM500 and a few other stuff about the girls. It might be the heat or it actually might be that this patience with the girls has finally broke loose. I told Hubby I wish to see the girls now and we went there straight. I went into the house, called them up and started with this opening sentence so that they know why I was there. I told them I came as their aunt and I would like to be very frank. I told them to pay the house bills or get their father to do so, and how crazy they are if they expect their mother with no income to pay for all that whereas they were the ones who stayed at the house previously. The girls and their brother looked at me with blank looks and just said, "huh!".
Then I asked each one them if they have ever visited their mother ever since they moved. They said no. I asked why. One of them arrogantly answered, "Kitaorg tunggu kat pagar, dia yang tak nak keluar!". That look she gave me and that answer just broke this thin line of patience in me. I did what I've never done before. I slapped her. And I yelled at her, "Siapa Mak sekarang? Kau Mak ke Ummi kau Mak?". She didn't answer, and I slapped her again. "Kau yang patut masuk pegi jumpa Mak kau, bukan Mak kau yang kena keluar jumpa kau!". "Siapa Mak sekarang? Kau ke Ummi kau?". And she got another slap along with her brother. I was in rage. My hand hurt from giving them the slaps but my rage hurt me even more. I told them I didn't go to sekolah agama or tahfiz like any of them, but I was raised to know that "syurga di bawah tapak kaki ibu".
I went back with my body shaking. I was in tears. Of anger and sadness. These are the kids that I indirectly helped raised. Just because they have grown up and can earn their own living, they can't care less about their mother anymore. My sister sacrificed her life for her children, being married to a man who mentally abused her. And that's what she gets in return.
What I'm revealing to you is the product of Arqam. That is why I am so against the teachings. Because I know how they work. The men are so obsessed with their leader, wanting to be in the army of Imam Mahdi but back in their own homes, they can't even manage their own families. They don't provide for their family, their don't give their children proper education. They live in their own beliefs that when the time comes, Allah will grant them with whatever needed. No need to learn Math because when they become in power, Allah will bestow upon them Math knowledge. The first word in Quran is "Read...". Acquire knowledge. I'm not going to preach. I am not good at that.
I am still disappointed, sad and angry with what happened. But I believe I have done what should have been done. It might not work, with them still acting as before, but at least I've done my part. In some ways it was a relief too. With a great price to pay. But this huge emotion I've kept in my heart for months have finally been released. I have less things to think about now. I don't have to worry that some of my nieces and nephews don't even finish school and what will happen to them in future. They are now out of my concerns. To my nieces, my only prayer is - May Allah bestow upon them with good husbands. Exactly like their father.
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