Ok, another posting bitching about my mother-in-law. And I'm not sorry. I need to let this out because I felt so guilty being angry at Sarah when in fact I was actually angry at someone else.
Sarah doesn't eat much. She is very skinny, but very tall for her age. Dr Wong says Ok, so we are not really worried. Anyway, this incident happened last June after my sister-in-law's wedding. It was the day after the wedding and I was having breakfast in the kitchen with the rest of the clan. A lot of people were there - I was having this motherly conversation with Nor about food, nutrition and stuff. Angah and our new addition to the family were there too, with Kili, Siti and the rest including my mother-in-law. I remember hubby was not there.
It was a good conversation with Nor and at the end of our talk, I remarked about Sarah and said something like "Sarah tu dah la kurus kering!". It was a joke between us and suddenly out of the blue my mother-in-law made a nasty remark. She had that tone that I can feel was purposely used to hurt and embarass me in front of everybody. She said, "Macam mana tak kurus kering. Mak dia yang tak bagi anak dia makan!". The room suddenly became silent. I think the others felt something too. Only a few seconds later people started talking again. I was so hurt and angry at the remark that I stood up, picked up my plate and walked off.
What was that supposed to mean? It didn't come off as a joke. Nobody laughed. I believed she was just trying to hurt me because hubby and I didn't contribute money to the wedding. She asked for RM1000, we didn't have any having just paid for our new house. She was trying to get back to me.
I'm the kind of person who doesn't forget easily when I got hurt. I carry the wound wherever I go. Words like that don't go away, they keep playing in my head especially when something related triggered the memory. That's when I lost my temper at Sarah last Saturday. I cooked chicken rice because Sarah said my chicken rice tastes nice. But at dinner she ate only 3 spoonfuls and said she was done. I don't know what really happened but maybe that moment was one of those times when the hurting words played itself in my head. I remembered my mother-in-law's remarks and I lashed out at Sarah. I can't even remember what I said but I know Sarah was shocked. I was still angry after that, went into the bedroom and folded the laundry. My blood was at boiling point and I really felt so angry at my mother-in-law. I might not be a good mother, but never in my life that I didn't feed my daughter. Whatever she wants to eat I will try my best to give her. Even when I don't have enough money, I will still take her to her favourite restaurants whenever she wants to eat pizza or udon noodles or steamboat. As long as she's happy and she eats. And when she eats, I feel happy as well.
I saw Sarah peeking at the door at me. I knew she wanted to come in and say sorry. I simply ignored her. Then she came in and said sorry. But I was still so angry I asked her to leave the room. I know she was sad but I wanted to calm down. My head was aching and my heart felt so hurt. 10 minutes later I felt better and went outside to talk to her. But she was already asleep. She told hubby she wanted to sleep outside, not in the room with me and she fell asleep immediately. Maybe she thought I don't want her to be near me. I didn't get to tell her I accepted her apologies and tell her I was sorry too. I didn't even get to hug her good night.
I felt so guilty. I cried in the bathroom until I got a headache. Then I carried her to bed and kissed her face. I whispered to her - Mommy is so sorry, Mommy loves you so much, it's not you Mommy is angry at. I can still picture her angelic face. I felt like waking her up, letting her know I was sorry and I love her so much. How could I do that to her? To brush her off cruelly when all she wanted to do was to say sorry to her Mommy.
And all that stupid emotional incident happened because of those nasty words said by my mother-in-law. I've had enough of her nasty remarks. I've tolerated her words for years now. Maybe I am a bit sensitive. But I used to said to myself - it's how "orang Melaka cakap". It's all just a joke. But after some time the jokes don't sound funny anymore. And I began to think - why should I tolerate people when they themselves can't control their "mulut orang Melaka". But I'm not the kind of person who attacks people with my words. I always keep things to myself. Now what I do is to ignore her. I try not to see her. If I had to see her, I will stay away from her, not talk to her. If no talking is done, then maybe no feelings will be hurt. I still hear her making hurting remarks at me. Fine. But let it be known that the love I had before for her is no longer there.
Sarah doesn't eat much. She is very skinny, but very tall for her age. Dr Wong says Ok, so we are not really worried. Anyway, this incident happened last June after my sister-in-law's wedding. It was the day after the wedding and I was having breakfast in the kitchen with the rest of the clan. A lot of people were there - I was having this motherly conversation with Nor about food, nutrition and stuff. Angah and our new addition to the family were there too, with Kili, Siti and the rest including my mother-in-law. I remember hubby was not there.
It was a good conversation with Nor and at the end of our talk, I remarked about Sarah and said something like "Sarah tu dah la kurus kering!". It was a joke between us and suddenly out of the blue my mother-in-law made a nasty remark. She had that tone that I can feel was purposely used to hurt and embarass me in front of everybody. She said, "Macam mana tak kurus kering. Mak dia yang tak bagi anak dia makan!". The room suddenly became silent. I think the others felt something too. Only a few seconds later people started talking again. I was so hurt and angry at the remark that I stood up, picked up my plate and walked off.
What was that supposed to mean? It didn't come off as a joke. Nobody laughed. I believed she was just trying to hurt me because hubby and I didn't contribute money to the wedding. She asked for RM1000, we didn't have any having just paid for our new house. She was trying to get back to me.
I'm the kind of person who doesn't forget easily when I got hurt. I carry the wound wherever I go. Words like that don't go away, they keep playing in my head especially when something related triggered the memory. That's when I lost my temper at Sarah last Saturday. I cooked chicken rice because Sarah said my chicken rice tastes nice. But at dinner she ate only 3 spoonfuls and said she was done. I don't know what really happened but maybe that moment was one of those times when the hurting words played itself in my head. I remembered my mother-in-law's remarks and I lashed out at Sarah. I can't even remember what I said but I know Sarah was shocked. I was still angry after that, went into the bedroom and folded the laundry. My blood was at boiling point and I really felt so angry at my mother-in-law. I might not be a good mother, but never in my life that I didn't feed my daughter. Whatever she wants to eat I will try my best to give her. Even when I don't have enough money, I will still take her to her favourite restaurants whenever she wants to eat pizza or udon noodles or steamboat. As long as she's happy and she eats. And when she eats, I feel happy as well.
I saw Sarah peeking at the door at me. I knew she wanted to come in and say sorry. I simply ignored her. Then she came in and said sorry. But I was still so angry I asked her to leave the room. I know she was sad but I wanted to calm down. My head was aching and my heart felt so hurt. 10 minutes later I felt better and went outside to talk to her. But she was already asleep. She told hubby she wanted to sleep outside, not in the room with me and she fell asleep immediately. Maybe she thought I don't want her to be near me. I didn't get to tell her I accepted her apologies and tell her I was sorry too. I didn't even get to hug her good night.
I felt so guilty. I cried in the bathroom until I got a headache. Then I carried her to bed and kissed her face. I whispered to her - Mommy is so sorry, Mommy loves you so much, it's not you Mommy is angry at. I can still picture her angelic face. I felt like waking her up, letting her know I was sorry and I love her so much. How could I do that to her? To brush her off cruelly when all she wanted to do was to say sorry to her Mommy.
And all that stupid emotional incident happened because of those nasty words said by my mother-in-law. I've had enough of her nasty remarks. I've tolerated her words for years now. Maybe I am a bit sensitive. But I used to said to myself - it's how "orang Melaka cakap". It's all just a joke. But after some time the jokes don't sound funny anymore. And I began to think - why should I tolerate people when they themselves can't control their "mulut orang Melaka". But I'm not the kind of person who attacks people with my words. I always keep things to myself. Now what I do is to ignore her. I try not to see her. If I had to see her, I will stay away from her, not talk to her. If no talking is done, then maybe no feelings will be hurt. I still hear her making hurting remarks at me. Fine. But let it be known that the love I had before for her is no longer there.
Comments
kesian Sarah kena marah.. sedih i!
dont u ever do that again ok..