For days I've thought about my arwah father. Bulan puasa ni mesti teringat his last puasa month. Some days I bought him buka puasa dishes, or if I cooked, I'd pack him some home-cooked dishes. Paling sayu on that very last day of puasa, when I spent the whole day berperang masak rendang sorang-sorang, and only managed to send him buka puasa food about 15 minutes before Maghrib. I found him in the kitchen all alone, looking lost, making himself a drink. The dining table was empty. My youngest brother was still not back. He laughed nervously and said he thought I'd only come the next morning with the food. I told him I promised to cook and put the whole spread on the dining table, all nicely packed in containers. He looked so relieved. The image of him all alone in the kitchen will forever haunt me.
This morning I took a nap at around 11am and I dreamed of him. He was in that "uniform" of his - light blue baju melayu, kain pelikat and kopiah putih. He looked happy, busily chatting with people who come I think for a kenduri. The place, though looked slightly like my parents' house, was so huge with many people sitting performing tahlil. He then ate with the rest of the guests. I was the only one who could see him. Despite people not able to see him, he continued chatting happily.
It was so real. The feeling was so real. There were a few times I actually opened my eyes, saw my own living room but my eyes quickly shut back and my dream continued. In the end, he got up and left. He just walked away and faded. I think I was frantically telling people he was there but people just couldn't see him. All the while I can feel my real sleeping self crying and crying. I woke up still crying and sobbing.
The dream left me drained. I felt exhausted. My heart felt so heavy I couldn't get up from the sofa. Good thing Aliyah decided to stay back at school to study so I just drifted off to sleep again. I just wanted to sleep so that I won't feel that sense of lost. Because it was painful.
This morning I took a nap at around 11am and I dreamed of him. He was in that "uniform" of his - light blue baju melayu, kain pelikat and kopiah putih. He looked happy, busily chatting with people who come I think for a kenduri. The place, though looked slightly like my parents' house, was so huge with many people sitting performing tahlil. He then ate with the rest of the guests. I was the only one who could see him. Despite people not able to see him, he continued chatting happily.
It was so real. The feeling was so real. There were a few times I actually opened my eyes, saw my own living room but my eyes quickly shut back and my dream continued. In the end, he got up and left. He just walked away and faded. I think I was frantically telling people he was there but people just couldn't see him. All the while I can feel my real sleeping self crying and crying. I woke up still crying and sobbing.
The dream left me drained. I felt exhausted. My heart felt so heavy I couldn't get up from the sofa. Good thing Aliyah decided to stay back at school to study so I just drifted off to sleep again. I just wanted to sleep so that I won't feel that sense of lost. Because it was painful.
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