I thank friends who expressed their concerns over my postings last week. It's amazing how friendship blossoms over these ramblings. Your kind words gave me strength.
I obviously won't detail out what happened. Just that I'm OK now than I was last week. And my marriage is as strong as ever. People make mistakes. I have forgiven, but have not forgotten.
I used to read or hear these kind of things, especially about women who don't really care whether the men they are pursuing are married or not. Wrecking other people's marriage is not of their concern. Married men seem to be more appealing. Now it actually happened to me and it's scary to experience this first hand.
I was devastated when I got to know. I felt like my world came tumbling down. My heart hurts so much I wonder if it was a heart attack. At times when I was driving with my daughter next to me, I thought if something were to happen to both of us, then it will serve him right. I was sick and the heartache added tremendous pain to my being.
My other half was lost at words. I believe he didn't know how to make things right. He should have made things right way, way before but he let it got carried away. I confronted, asked him to explain and I compared the stories. I actually called that woman and got her to spill it out. I think any other women would have run amok, scream, throw things... But I didn't of course. I have my pride. I talked to her calmly till the end she said she loved my husband. Maybe because I was too nice, she called me back a few minutes later, telling me she's worried my hubby would be angry at her for telling me everything. I was like - hello, since when were we friends (bitch)... I told her - "Since you said my husband is such a caring person, you should also know how he is when he's angry. Deal with it!".
I was blessed to have 2 confidants during my difficult time. One of them advised me to fight back, to win back my man. But I was too proud. Why should I? I am not perfect. But in all my imperfections, I am perfect in many ways too. All these long years I've been his best friend who listened to all his stories, thoughts, problems... I'm his devoted wife and hot lover (ehem!), a good mother to his child... I provided him comfort, I engage in intellectual conversations, I'm practical and logical... And I am a dish too. I'm not fat (BMI just at the border past of being normal weight) and I'm not so bad looking either. So, I'm the dream wife. Why must I fight for the man who forgo all that for someone he's just known for a few months? That someone whose language in her messages shows level of education way below my masters degree. I decided not to fight back because I am an independent and strong woman. I can obviously live on my own and provide for my daughter. I don't need a man in my life. But problem was, I still love him.
I asked for sometime away from each other and he left. But that night I left the door unlatched, in case he got nowhere to go and came back. I couldn't sleep and stood by the window wondering where he is. And he loves me still. He drove past the house at midnight and stayed close by. He couldn't live without my daughter and me, and he came back. We separated for less than 24 hours.
Once in a while we get tested. And that was our test. For all the heartaches and tears that the test have caused us both, it served to strengthen our bond, reminded us of our flaws, proved each other of our love.
A happy ending? Sort of. Things can never be the same of course. I still have this disturbing thoughts about that woman and the things she said poking at my heart. Whether there's truth in what she said, in the end, I believe in my other half. After 18 years of knowing him, I think I know him better...
Just a note to my married male friends... Take good care of your wife. All the other distractions are momentarily, no matter how young or beautiful the distractions are. I believe it's nicer and more comforting to have long lengthy talks cuddled together on a sofa watching a late night movie with your lifetime soul mate, than entertaining a younger woman whose idea of a conversation is talking about her favorite shade of lipstick and listening to her whimsical grumblings.
I obviously won't detail out what happened. Just that I'm OK now than I was last week. And my marriage is as strong as ever. People make mistakes. I have forgiven, but have not forgotten.
I used to read or hear these kind of things, especially about women who don't really care whether the men they are pursuing are married or not. Wrecking other people's marriage is not of their concern. Married men seem to be more appealing. Now it actually happened to me and it's scary to experience this first hand.
I was devastated when I got to know. I felt like my world came tumbling down. My heart hurts so much I wonder if it was a heart attack. At times when I was driving with my daughter next to me, I thought if something were to happen to both of us, then it will serve him right. I was sick and the heartache added tremendous pain to my being.
My other half was lost at words. I believe he didn't know how to make things right. He should have made things right way, way before but he let it got carried away. I confronted, asked him to explain and I compared the stories. I actually called that woman and got her to spill it out. I think any other women would have run amok, scream, throw things... But I didn't of course. I have my pride. I talked to her calmly till the end she said she loved my husband. Maybe because I was too nice, she called me back a few minutes later, telling me she's worried my hubby would be angry at her for telling me everything. I was like - hello, since when were we friends (bitch)... I told her - "Since you said my husband is such a caring person, you should also know how he is when he's angry. Deal with it!".
I was blessed to have 2 confidants during my difficult time. One of them advised me to fight back, to win back my man. But I was too proud. Why should I? I am not perfect. But in all my imperfections, I am perfect in many ways too. All these long years I've been his best friend who listened to all his stories, thoughts, problems... I'm his devoted wife and hot lover (ehem!), a good mother to his child... I provided him comfort, I engage in intellectual conversations, I'm practical and logical... And I am a dish too. I'm not fat (BMI just at the border past of being normal weight) and I'm not so bad looking either. So, I'm the dream wife. Why must I fight for the man who forgo all that for someone he's just known for a few months? That someone whose language in her messages shows level of education way below my masters degree. I decided not to fight back because I am an independent and strong woman. I can obviously live on my own and provide for my daughter. I don't need a man in my life. But problem was, I still love him.
I asked for sometime away from each other and he left. But that night I left the door unlatched, in case he got nowhere to go and came back. I couldn't sleep and stood by the window wondering where he is. And he loves me still. He drove past the house at midnight and stayed close by. He couldn't live without my daughter and me, and he came back. We separated for less than 24 hours.
Once in a while we get tested. And that was our test. For all the heartaches and tears that the test have caused us both, it served to strengthen our bond, reminded us of our flaws, proved each other of our love.
A happy ending? Sort of. Things can never be the same of course. I still have this disturbing thoughts about that woman and the things she said poking at my heart. Whether there's truth in what she said, in the end, I believe in my other half. After 18 years of knowing him, I think I know him better...
Just a note to my married male friends... Take good care of your wife. All the other distractions are momentarily, no matter how young or beautiful the distractions are. I believe it's nicer and more comforting to have long lengthy talks cuddled together on a sofa watching a late night movie with your lifetime soul mate, than entertaining a younger woman whose idea of a conversation is talking about her favorite shade of lipstick and listening to her whimsical grumblings.
Comments
sure it was a big test for you. looks like there is still a strong bond between you two. hope what happened will be a lesson to both of you infact to all of us. there is always room for forgiveness but with cautious. but remember if these things happen again, time to kick a**.
I had long thoughts before I wrote this entry. But I need to write it because this is my sanctuary, a place where I pour out my thoughts and feelings. Err.. lots of censors of course :) Yes, it is a lesson for both of us and hopefully for others as well.
And yes, if there is another occurrence, I might not be so nice!
Kimkam,
I try to be strong. Sometimes rasa nak fall apart juga. Matters of the heart is difficult to understand and handle at times.
Aniza..... buy cd "The Secret" @ Law of Attraction. Rasulullah dah ajar dulu, but that cd examplifies the ideas. Just replace "universe" with "Allah".
InsyaALLAH.... if it does not kill you, it will make you stronger :)
this is your first entry that i read, and i can so relate to it. been married as long as you, and i had had enough, and decided to walk out of the house, not out of his life though because he will not let me go. for me, the love has died. it began dying a slow death since 10 yrs ago. i have suffered much, but i kept holding on to the marriage because of the children. but when finally the love and respect were gone, i could no longer pretend that i was doing it for the sake of the children because that means betraying my own feelings and denying my own happiness. God knows how much i have been through, and he even denied all the pain and hurt he has caused me all the while. in fact, he denied all wrongs that he did. i am still trying to deal with this the best that i could, but i dont know how long i am gng to last. am tired of being strong sometimes. i am sorry for this outpouring of feelings, but it feels good (sorry, cant come up with a more appropriate word) to know that i am not alone. thank you for sharing your stories.
AT
insyallah i will. i'm now reading Travelog Dakwah by Prof Mohd Kamil, courtesy of my brother who was with me during my difficult times. I must say it is a truly beautiful book. it did lift up my spirits, especially making me realize the small little significant signs by Allah, which we normally ignore.
dear AT
welcome to my sanctuary :)
now i can say i understand how women in this kind of situation feel :) i believe one is entitled to one's happiness, and i believe you must seek yours too. children is always the reason why some couples stay together. but most of the times, the home is no longer a heaven for the kids when the parents are no longer in love. believe me, i have seen this.
it's tough being strong isnt it... even to form a smile on my face for my little girl took so much effort at that time. i always believe kids are survivors, even better than adults.
hope all will do well with you.
Btw, agree with you.. kak niza, ignore my prev comment..