Living with Sarah

I scrutinized my analytics and found this regular visitor located somewhere down the radar. And I wonder if it's that person who made my heart sick. Maybe yes, maybe no. Anyway, if it really is that person, to what do I owe such frequent visits? You know what, curiosity kills the cat. Don't let one kill you.

Today ada news about one telco exec kena tangkap sebab jual **** clip videos to the company customers. I'm just letting my imagination run wild now. Where did he get the clips from? Let's see, all SMS and MMS go to telcos first then only to the recipients kan? That's why kalau ada court cases ke apa, SMS can be retrieved. So, those "personal" video clips and photos sent to other people sure ada orang kat telco yang boleh intercept and keep for their own, err... pleasure kan? If they want la. It's just like emails especially corporate emails yang ada orang monitor kan? Kan? Kan? I'm just wondering out aloud - that someone yang hantar gambar-gambar "personal" dia to another person's husband tu... entah-entah gambar tu semua dah selamat... So, kalau gambar you dah "selamat", jangan salahkan orang lain selain dari diri sendiri...

I had breakfast with my daughter this morning. And I had a good look at the pretty face - eating her roti canai and telling me her stories. I remember this time last year, the only thing I have that I held on to was this little girl with a big heart. Who practically took me in her arms and kissed my forehead and told me she loves me so much.

... since that incident. If you ask me whether I have fully recovered, the answer is a big no. I have not. And please, don't give me any advice like: "Let it pass; just forget about it; focus your energy on something else; just forgive and forget; read certain books or verses; etc". Because I have read hundreds of websites on how to forgive and forget. I have recited zikir to ease the pain. But the heart and the brain are totally different organs altogether. You can try to be sensible but the heart can become too emotional. When you try to embrace the fact and free your heart of any aches, you look sideways, sees something, a memory is triggered and the brain reminds you of the painful incident. It is not that easy. It's exhausting. I hate the feeling but I can't run away from it. Sometimes I just can't take it anymore, felt like throwing everything to the wind, start a new life.

I managed to watch The Women again yesterday at Star Movies. A star-studded all-female movie. Yup, no men! It's a movie about women, must be watched by women, and must be watched by men/husbands. I don't know if things would have turned out differently if I had watched this before. But then again, God sent me an angel to guide me on what to do in the pretty form of a friend. So, I was OK. I hit rock bottom, but I bounced back. And life is so much better now than ever. It actually depends whether you survived or not. I survived, we survived. My only regret, and at times concern, is that I am not so easy at forgetting. To tell you the truth, there is not a single day in my life that I was not reminded of it and depending on how the memory was sparked, I can be either sad, or angry, or sick, or revengeful, or thoughtful, or crazy, or feel so hilarious... or the emotions can get so mixed up I ended up staring at a spot and ask myself - why?. The answer never came. The friend did s...

I went to visit on Wednesday afternoon and the house was full of activities - Miqdam's workers doing touch-ups and 2 vans of workers doing wiring and installation of lights. So, most of the lights already installed but touch-ups are needed because certain parts of the walls were being hacked (again) for new wiring. Our little chandelier at dining area. First picture of the house at night :) Hubby sent me a few pictures he took when the house was still under development. We used to park our car at the top of the hill every weekend and look down at the house seeing work in progress. Blood, sweat, tears and effort have gone into acquiring and renovating it. Sacrifices by both of us. That's why I sangat-sangat angin and sedih when ada orang dengan selambanya kata nama I tak ada pun dalam S&P, so if anything happen, senang. Senang apa? Senang get rid of me and you stay at that house? Some things are sacred between a husband and a wife. Like this house. There's a long...

Biarlah dia dengan "kemiskinannya"...

I don't usually hate things. Because I am a nice person. I always accept things as they are. However, just recently ie late last year I started to hate certain things. The hatred is so very pure and the feeling of despise is very strong that I might punch someone on the face if I ever see that person. Like today, I got so angry I slammed my fist on my desk because this guy screwed up resulting in my company domain being expired even though I paid in advanced. Imagine if I slammed my fist onto someone's face. Nice. Anyway, these are the things I now despise: 1) Ayer Keroh. Because someone stupid works there. 2) Lagu Kekasih Gelapku. Because someone with otak kat &*%^ idolizes this stupid song. 3) Cerita Melayu yang conversationnya menggelikan telinga like "saya perlukan awak untuk menceriakan dan mewarnai hidup saya". Because someone emails someone else such meloyakan words. 4) Kereta Toyota Caldina. Because someone said that's her dream car ada hati ajak someo...

My eldest sister selalu pesan kat I - kalau nak tau kebenaran rajin-rajin lah recite nama Allah Al-Batin. Al-Batin maknanya "hidden". Kalau selalu recite dan doa mintak Allah tunjukkan kebenaran, insyaallah the truth will be revealed. I baca dengan niat nak tau the truth about that "incident". Of course I believe my husband but then again, I thought macam mana pun, he is still a "man". Many times I actually doubt him. So, I niat baca semoga Allah tunjukkan kebenaran so that I can be at peace. Alhamdulillah, the truth was finally revealed. And Alhamdulillah I handled everything my way that in the end now, I just feel so blessed that we are still together, stronger and so much more in love. I read this somewhere today: "If you can get past it you might find it makes your marriage stronger". We weathered past the typhoon and now the skies are crystal clear. I sleep well at night with my husband's arms around me. Anyway, the truth I told you abou...

My dear friend Enida describes a marriage in such a simple and beautiful way - Porta La Distancia ?. Precisely what I have in mind. Dan orang tua-tua kata, kalau tak paham jugak baik terjun dalam lori sampah. Because that's where such person belongs. Marriage is much, much more than those "little excitements" that one can brag about. And one's mind (and her little brain) can be so shallow to the brink of being stupid and ignorant in believing that if one's husband feels so strongly about his wife, that the man is actually controlled by the wife, or stayed together because of the child. I often wonder how can one be so intellectually-challenged to believe that six months of love affair via SMS and telephone can easily break a decade-old marriage. And that six-month period qualifies her to declare that she knows the man better than the wife. Stupid is such a nice word to use.

Cik Sri Siantan, Saya ialah isteri orang berumur penghujung 20an sipi-sipi nak masuk 30. Saya berkenalan dengan seorang suami orang bernama H. Sebenarnya atas soal kerja, saya telah menolong H dan H telah mengoffer untuk belanja saya makan seperti mana dia telah mengoffer 50 orang lain yang telah menolongnya atas soal kerja. Saya pun pergilah berjumpa dan saya dapati dia seorang yang friendly dan caring menepati ciri-ciri yang saya cari pada seorang suami. Saya pun menipu H dengan mengatakan bahawa saya single-mingle dan akan kahwin lagi sebulan-dua dan saya tak pasti sama ada nak kahwin atau tidak sebab bakal suami adalah pilihan keluarga. Padahal saya sebenarnya dah kahwin sejak tahun 2005 lagi, alignment body saya pun dah lari. H yang caring ini telah menasihatkan saya agar memilih suami yang saya suka kerana perkahwinan itu forever, tapi sebab saya dah kahwin saya pun berpura-pura tarik tali kejap nak kahwin, kejap tak nak dan akhirnya kahwin terpaksa. Selepas itu saya buat cerita ...

My CSI skills have improved tremendously. Last week I stumbled upon something. I already have this bunch of ugly and yucky things in my possession, now I have a name and address to post it to - if I want to. So, what do I know? I know the full name of that person's husband, I know his phone number and now I know where he works. Imagine... But like my conversation with a dear friend - "we are nice people... and it's difficult for nice people to do bad things".

Wahai Stupid Woman, I wonder and wonder and wonder, why oh why are you or your friend or your cousin are still here...? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Stupid Woman dan kawan-kawan serta kaum kerabatnya, Aik? Datang lagi...? Meh I hiburkan you all dengan clip Upin ni ya... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Labu: Mak saya bilang, hari ni hari bodoh saya Encik... Haji Bakhil: Patut lah... Tapi bukan ke hari-hari kau ni bodoh? Labu: Memang betul Encik...

I made roasted chicken with potatoes and buttered rice for dinner today. Very fast to cook, trust me - conventional oven, not microwave. As usual I would make extra - either for Hubby to take as breakfast to work the next day or to give some of the dish to my parents. My mother loves savory rice, tak kira lah nasi apa, and my father, he eats anything I cook with pleasure. My daughter, well, she needs to be "forced" to eat. Her idea of dinner is always roti canai. So is her idea of breakfast. And lunch if she has it her way. And tea too. While Hubby, anything I make for him is always sedap, and then blames me for making his stomach "boroi" nowadays. So, everytime I cook, which might or might not turn out to be delicious, I cook for those I love and I know they appreciate my effort. I might not cook everyday. Sometimes I might be too busy. Sometimes the mood is just not there and we eat out together. If Hubby comes back late, I will buy take-away for him. But I will ...

Ada orang cerita kat I yang ramai juga friends expressed concern over my well-being - tanya orang tu whether I am OK or not. Kawan-kawan sekelian, I am OK :) Alhamdulillah, very OK. Dulu I tak OK kejap. I was sad, hurt, depressed, angry... At that time, I imagined that my hubby fell for someone yang cantik jelita macam Erra Fazira. Or kalau tetiba terberminat dengan yang comel and petite, entah-entah rupanya macam Mila tu ke kan (bukan macam Memey OK)... And that woman pulak, suara macam sedap I dengar kat telinga. SMS and cerita dia pulak macam hubby I tu merangkak-rangkak cari dia. Ye la kan, akak ni bukan le lawa sangat pun. Dah 35++ pulak tu. Tapi bila I dah jumpa and tengok gambar dia... Hmm... rasa macam impossible je cerita-cerita dia tu. Anak I pun terperanjat. Anak I expected father dia ada better taste than that. Seriously, she said that. And I know my hubby has better taste than that. So, now bila I baca balik SMS yang I dapat masa awal-awal dulu, I ketawa sorang-sorang. Na...

Ada orang comment kata someone pernah nyanyikan dia lagu Kekasih Gelapku - Ungu dengan nada bangganya. I'm sorry I don't share that enthusiasm. Know what I think? Lagu tu sebenarnya is very insulting atau menghina perempuan. Lagu ni ditulis orang lelaki untuk menipu perempuan dengan membina illusi yang seorang "kekasih gelap" adalah dicintai padahal dia nak cover yang dia sebenarnya nak buat main je. Seriously. Baca, fikir (guna otak) dan hayati lah liriknya dik non. Kalaulah lelaki tu betul-betul cinta, takkan lah tak nak orang tau kan. Dan part yang paling menunjukkan bertapa lagu ni memang menghina seorang perempuan yang membuat affair dengan suami orang ialah this line: "Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku..." . The word "hanya" tu bermakna serpih-serpih je. Macam, kalau I free, I can see you. If I'm not, very sorry because you are "only/hanya" someone who has no worth to my life. Macam mana akak boleh buat conclusion ni? Akak d...

Hari ni ada orang kata blog I ni buat menambah dosa. Ish, ish... kecik hati I. Bertahun-tahun I tulis blog ni selama ni ok je. I tulis pasal Palestine pun ada orang terasa pula. I rasa I tak pun letak nama sapa-sapa kat sini? Eh, ada ke? Tak da kan. So, kalau tak puas hati, take your grudge elsewhere. Hantar lah hate mail pada orang yang sepatutnya. Dan tak payahla defend diri sendiri atau kawan kat sini dan nak salahkan orang lain juga. This is not the place. I tulis ni sangat lah berlapik ok. Nanti I elok-elok being very nice, terus jadi tak nice baru tau. I kalau jadi tak nice... fikir-fikir lah sendiri kan. Nanti tak pasal-pasal someone jadi famous satu Malaya pula. I ni ikut mood. Selalunya nice. Tapi ada juga sekali dua jadi tak berapa nice. So, to that someone atau kawannya (I tak sure same person ke atau dia ajak kawan dia sekali), tak payah lah visit blog I ni lagi. Kalau curious, boleh, bacalah. Mana lah tau, nak tau sangat perkembangan semasa tentang I, husband I dan anak I....

Hospital pun dibedil... It's so sickening. Just now my nephew said he read somewhere Palestine is no longer in 2009 world map. Not sure how true that is... We were having dinner at home a few days ago while watching news on TV. Aliyah, as usual, doesn't finish up her food. So, I nagged her saying how lucky she is that we are living in a peaceful country. Some people are at war now and I pointed at the TV. I said, "Tadi Mommy baca ada ibu yang tak dapat bagi anak dia makan, so anak dia lapar sangat. Ada abang yang rumah dia kena bom, mata dia buta. Kesian tau." So, she asked us why those country are at war, what happen to the people, what happen to the children, and lots of other questions coming from such a curious mind. I can see she started to pick up her food again. After she finished eating, she asked her final question: "Abah, kenapa orang yang perang tu tak hormat negara orang lain?". I can't remember what hubby answered, but I was amazed with that...

I have been in email communication with that woman the past few days. I am a bit crazy inside. Just when I thought it was really over, something triggered it and I became bitter again. I realized it was not over yet but I don't know what I really want. So I wrote an email. It took 2 emails for her to respond. In a way I actually threatened her. And I was really planning to put what I planned into action. I wanted a closure which I have yet to achieve. Because I cannot forget her words to me and the SMSes that she sent. I am being painted as a bad person. I am a bad wife and a bad mother. It hurts me so much because while I am not the perfect wife and the best mother, I have done everything I can to be one. I have sacrificed - my life, my career, my time, my love, my heart, my money, my whole existence... Once I felt so hurt I sat on the floor of my bedroom, doubled over and cried. What have I done to deserve all these? I actually don't know whether she finally responded because...

I've been thinking and thinking. I have little "mes" debating on my right and left shoulders. Know what, I am a nice person. No matter what people do to me, I don't have the heart to ruin the life of another human being. And she is so, so lucky she messed up with me. Imagine if it were another woman... my eldest sister, for example. She'd die, man. However, I'm saving this for another day. The day that person starts to disturb my peaceful life again. I'll swear I'll do something nasty. I've created a codename for it - "Ops Buntal". Why? Because she is on the buntal side. I'm nice tonight. So, I'm not going to mention her anatomy, just summarising the whole package as "buntal". Ops Buntal is on hold... till the D-day comes. Watch out b****h.